Goodbye, Velma.

The other day I twittered, "I feel lost." I still do. Velma passed away this past Sunday at 9:30 in the morning. It seemed sudden. We knew she had liver cancer, but everyone seemed to feel that she would get well enough and return home, living past the doctor's time frame of weeks to months. Personally, I thought she'd show him and live another couple of years, in the least. Instead, she only lived days. The rest of the day was spent sitting around Velma's living room, staring at each other, trying to absorb the news.

Everyone has been mentally preparing themselves for a long battle. I know I have a short temper, and have been preparing myself to live with Velma, for a minimum of six months. That takes a lot of prepping. She left so much earlier than any of us could ever imagine, that no one is quite sure what to do with that preparedness. In that aspect, time has stopped. I can't figure out if I can relax or if I am going to wind up even more.

That same day, we also spoke of what we needed to do with her things. I always thought people who talked about getting rid of stuff, or wanting stuff, the day of people's deaths were selfish. I know now that they are not. It is a coping mechanism. It's almost how you'd talk about packing up your own house. First the clothes, then the stuff you'd donate, set aside this for this person and that for that person, and so forth. By focusing on the stuff, it keeps you from being overwhelmed about the person's death. Otherwise all you do is sit there in shock. It's the first little step to helping it sink in instead of taking over.

The last two nights, I haven't slept well. The first night, I couldn't stay in the dark. The second night, I was in bed for 12 hours, but didn't sleep well until the sun was up. Tonight is the third night. We will see what happens. I put some of my mental-preparedness to work on my own home. I dusted and straightened up the living room. I hope it wore me down enough to when I finally shut my light out, I will sleep well. I will vacuum at a later date. I am not sure if I will vacuum tomorrow night or if I will start on the living room, but I have a deadline.

Velma's family member is coming up at the end of the month to help sort through her things. My mom is afraid of her seeing our house because she's a bit more upscale than us. I don't want to make it sound like we are dirty or trashy, but we're more like clutterbugs and she's more minimalist. So it is my goal to get the house where both of my parents are not embarrassed to have someone walk through the doors. I've got three weeks. If you want to get technical, I've got one since I'm moving into Velma's house this weekend.

I am moving to keep the house occupied until we figure out exactly what is going to be done with it. I am looking forward to it because I will be bringing my sewing stuff with me and there is enough space for me to spread out and make my aprons without feeling cramped. Aside from moving in, nothing is going to change in the house until the end of the month. Which is nice breather room to really let Velma's passing sink in. It still feels surreal.