So Repetative.

I hate to use the same word as I did before, but things with me are still not normal. I told myself I'd make youtube videos again, but I have no desire to try. I have no desire to write blogs. I've just got back the desire to read, but I have no desire to write my reviews for them. I'm still at the point where it is very hard for me to just get one load of laundry put properly away.

I have started to exercise on a fairly regular basis. I am walking for 30 minutes on a treadmill during my half hour lunch at work. This in itself wipes me out and when I sit down afterward, if I laid my head down, I could easily fall asleep. I have good days where I can walk 3.4 miles an hour and I have bad where I can barely walk 1.7.

I find it very difficult to feel normal. I can't feel normal or happy for more than a few seconds. I only think of the accident every few minutes rather than every few seconds. It still doesn't feel okay to laugh. I feel like someone looking at me knows I was there when this horrible thing happened and blames me for it it somehow (which is illogical, I know) even though in my head I know they can't know unless they've been told and they can't sense it like that. That one's a little harder to explain. Think of a person walking into a room of a bunch of people they do not know and everyone gasping and pointing and saying, "It was you!" even though there is nothing there to give it away.

Most weeks, all I do is work and sleep. I have no energy to go out and try to work on the bedroom in the little house. I had problems with depression before this, but everything has intensified to a degree I am unfamiliar with, one that I don't know how to handle. And most people don't understand it. They tell me, "Oh, you just have to force yourself to." I can force myself to get up for work. I can force myself to go to appointments. But how do you force yourself to do something when it totally wipes you out?

I have to choose what to do now instead of doing it all. Last week or the week before, Mom and sister went to Costco. I had to stay home because I had to work later that day and I had to save my energy for it. I don't function like I used to. I'm not as efficient at work as I was before. I have trouble remembering things. I'm making mistakes at work on things that I know I know how to do, but in that moment, I apparently don't. I can focus on pretty much one thing at a time and I get extremely confused really easily.

I don't feel like me. And it sucks.