Things that once were normal, no longer are. As silly as it sounds, I had a routine down when I paid my bills. Now I feel lost. I lost the rhythm of when I paid things, though I am in no danger of missing a payment or incurring any sort of fees. I never really thought money was a huge deal, though I do know it is necessary. But now, I feel like it's just kind of there and even getting a payday no longer makes me feel anything. I used to be happy I could make next month's bills. Now, it just kind of shows up.
I am still lacking energy. I had just enough to change my sheets last night. I think of all things I want to do, yet I can only do one and after I do it, I'm so fatigued I end up laying there for hours on end. I don't even have the energy to complete my laundry in two days, and I only have two loads.
My room has become a mess. I just bring stuff in, set it down, and leave it. Yesterday I managed to pick things up, but only got as far as putting them in a laundry basket and leaving them there. I basically moved the piles so I don't knock them over.
My mom and sister went to Costco today. I didn't go with them because I don't think I'd have to energy to get through work tonight. Work in itself is becoming a chore. I used to love going to work. Now all I can think of is getting like a month off and staying in bed for the first week. My muscles ache. When I was depressed, getting out of bed was all mental. Now it's physical. I never feel like I get enough sleep. My body will ache I can hardly move it and it exhausts me just to force myself up.
I'm still very jumpy when I drive. Every car is going to hit me, every pedestrian, no matter how far away, is going to walk in front of my car...I slam on my breaks more than I ever did before. Cars give me so much anxiety. I wish I could work from home. I wish I did not have to drive at night. If it was feasible, I'd walk everywhere. But it's not. So I continue to drive.
I haven't tried crafting since I made the plushie. I guess that was the extent of my energy for the week. My mind isn't tired. There are so many things I can think of that I want to do around the house, but my body says, "Nope! That's it for now." And some days I feel like I use all of that up just for a shower.
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I feel like it's a chore to do anything other than sit there. I have to force myself to do anything, even just getting out of bed. I've just lost the energy, and the point to getting up. I shouldn't have, but...that's how it is right now.
ReplyDeleteMy room embarasses me. My piles are growing and there isn't room to get to the bed sometimes. I wish I could throw it all away, the books and the stacks and the craft supplies and everything, but at the same time I don't want to because it's part of what makes my room my room.
I'm so sad for us all and pray for the day when we can be joyful...without guilt or whatever it is that's stopping us.
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