The Accident

I cannot fall back asleep so I thought I would elaborate a little on why I am as screwed up as I am right now. I know the accident is not an excuse. I would like to say, though, that it is extremely hard for me to wrap my brain around and I'm having trouble accepting/understanding reasons as to why it happened to my family.

Back on February 3rd, my mother, my twin sister, and I had just gotten on the freeway to come home from an out of town trip when it happened. A man stepped in front of our car. From the middle of the freeway, out of complete darkness, in an area where the only lights were our headlights. He died. My mom was driving and I know it was because of her many years behind the wheel, she knew what to do and saved our lives.

Suffice to say it was a really long night for us. Everyone involved was really nice and caring, from the tow-truck driver to the CHP officers to the EMTs. Everyone was really supportive. Though they couldn't prove it, everyone said he most likely committed suicide. I don't want to go into details much because I don't think it's fair to have that kind of information out on the web for anyone to see, especially concerning a loved ones death. I know how it feels to stumble across my great-grandparent's murder-suicide in a book without any warning and I don't want anyone to feel the way I did by coming across all the details on my blog.

My mother, sister, and I are still struggling with it to this day. It has been over 4 months, but I think of it on a daily basis. We know his name. We've seen his obituary, so we know a small amount about him. Except for that night, we've never seen a photograph. My sister doesn't want to, my mother is unsure, and I want to see one. There is no questioning what happened. We know there is nothing we could have done to prevent it.

What plagues me is why did he do it? Why did he choose us? Why would someone force someone into the situation we're in now? We didn't have a choice. I go over the details over and over again from that night, from my mother screaming to the drive home. Some days it seems surreal and others it is so real I can hardly breathe. I was depressed before this happened, but now I almost feel like I'm drowning in it. I don't know how to get out. I can't stop the replay -with sound- going on in my head. Some days it plays only once. Other days, it doesn't stop.

My mother hardly leaves the house. My sister isn't the happy-go-lucky girl she was before. It has shaken all of us to the core, to our souls. We want to talk to others who have been in this same situation, but there is so little to go on. There are groups for surviving the suicide of loved ones and suicide by cop, but nothing for this.

So when people ask me how I am and I say, "Fine," I'm really not. They don't really want to hear how I am.